It was negative......of course

Well, it was negative. I am NOT pregnant. But that is life right? Never works out like you want it to. Can't have everything you want. So life goes on and I don't want to think about it for a while till I can talk about it without crying. I will be able to soon. I will try to go the nutrionalist and see what results that brings. It can take 4 months to 1 year. And I will be healthier regardless. So it won't hurt. I 'll keep you posted.

Today is THE day

Today is the pregnancy test. I feel so many different things. Last night I couldn't sleep like when I was 8 and waiting for the next morning to see what Santa brought me. Now I feel like oh my gosh in 3 hours I am going to take my Veterinary Technician final test to get my certification. AAAAAHHHHHH!
I am trying to think good thoughts but I don't want to get my hopes up too high...............................................WAIT!
Scratch that, I am excited and joyed and jovial and happy and jumping up and down. Why can't I be? That is it you know. I heard a church service yesterday on TV that said you can not let others take your joy. You can be responsible TO them but NOT for them! Live each day like its your last. Find joy and happiness in everything you do because that is what makes God happy. That is how you serve and love him. He made tooo many beautiful things in life to have us think negative about traffic, people, jobs and chores. We should be grateful we have jobs and roofs over our heads, that we have 2 feet to stand on and walk. That we can afford cars and things in life. That people are people and you can not change them.
Ok, that is my preaching. But it hit me right in the soft spot of my heart yesterday when I heard that. So i am sharing it with you.
I will let you know on Thursday or Friday what the results are. Remember we have to tell family first and take another one just to be certain if it is positive. So we just need a couple of days to do what we gotta do.
Thanks for all the prayers and well wishes and baby dust. We pray for you too! That your life is filled with all the things you have and you should be grateful.

Please give what you can for the victims of Katrina

The Red Cross needs money. They do. Maybe your employer can do like mine and match dollar for dollar.
But they also need supplies.
Please contact the Red Cross in your area 1-800-435-7669 or redcross.org
Also the salvation army in your area 1-800-425-2769 or salvationarmyusa.org
The supplies they need are:
Pedialyte
Toiletries
Boxed, non perishable food
Canned food
Liqiud, canned baby formula
Flashlights
Batteries
Diapers
Radios
Blankets
Toothbrushes/paste
Water
Please look around your house for what you can spare. If you don't have much monetary value to give, see what supplies you have to give.
Thank you and God bless.
Pray for the victims, they need all we can give.

We will tell in "Due" Time

HaHaHa,
Well, the follicle got bigger, the progesterone went up. Then it went down, but not that much and they said it can fluctuate. Basically that is normal. I got the bloodwork done later in the day so she said that might have some to do with it.
Now we just wait for the pregnancy test. It is this week but we want to tell family first then friends. Believe me, I want to just shout it out the window while driving. I want to buy a billboard and put it on their too!
But I must be patient, if I have learned anything it is to be patient. Now, I didn't say I was good at it but I am learning. A dear and close friend told me to take a home pregnancy test and I am tempted but part of learning patience is waiting for my appointment.
But I will let you know as soon as I can.

Coming soon

Ok, I went today and my follicle was a 17.5mm. My LH surge is starting to show so any day now is the big one! Well, not THE big day that is reserved for the POSITIVE pregnancy test, which will happen this time. I can feel it. It is different than all the other cycles. And so what if it is only in my head. Your mind controls your body in more ways than one. Take when someone is taking a placebo pill for something medical. IF they take the pill and really believe it is working even though there is no medication in it then so what. The mind IS working and it is producing the outcome right? The mind is a powerful thing!!!
My poem that is listed below was submitted to poetry.com and they LOVED it they want to publish it and I am entered to win 10,000 dollars if it wins. They probably say that to everyone but so what. It is still pretty cool!
I am also going to write a book about emotional distress of infertility. I started working on it a couple of weeks before our pc went down, but now that we have it back, I will pick up where I left off.
Thank you for reading my blog. It means you care and I appreciate it. I decided to start this bog because I know I couldnt' continue on the way I was. That is all I ever talked about and it is a BIG part of my life right now. If you were getting married or going on a cruise you would talk about it all the time. That is what this infertility saga has been for me. I know it has been 2 years and it gets old, but it is important to me. My feelings are legitimate to have. I love all of you reading this and god bless!

ok so it didnt' work the second time either

ok, So our second chance was a waste. I did ovulate but then I went for a pregnancy test and it was negative. I was devasted. The next day that bitch aunt flo showed up and I felt weak. On Monday I was a wreck, I had a migraine and everything and everyone annoyed the crap of me. So I went home from work and had a melt down. I talked to my dear friend Mariann, she was wonderful. I just stayed on the couch and relaxed and cried and watched my soap opera (Passions). Then the lady (Lee) from the fertility doctor called and said that she had to fight with the sponsors to let me do the study for another month but she convinced them and I went and picked up my pills.
Well! At first there wasn't anything. On day 11 there was one that was 12mm and today, day 13 it grew to 15mm so now I have to go everyday and do my LH kit and when that comes up positive I will be fertile mertile and then in 2 weeks we will see what happens.
I have been doing my positive affirmations picturing my ovary and follicle and saying it is this big and the little egg is in there waiting to come out and it is healthy and strong. I have been rooting for my ovary to do what it is to do. The last two cycles it has been my right ovary and now it is my left so hopefully it has better luck. I have been wearing a rubber band on my wrist and everytime I get stressed out or hurt I snap it and it quickly reminds me to reasses the situation and see the bigger picture. And it really works.!!!!!!! I have been doing great.!!!!!!
And 2 weeks after that I will hear the babies heartbeat for the first time. Can you believe it????
At 32 days the baby will be the size of a grain of rice but they can see and hear the heartbeat. Amazing.!!!!!!!
So wish us luck and send plenty of baby dust our way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A poem I wrote

Dear Baby,

You are a dream I have every night.

I feel like until you are here, things in life just aren't right.

I reach out to you but you are so far away,

But somehow I have to hold on to the thought that you might be mine someday.

My love for you pours out of my heart so much it floods my eyes.

I look to God and pray and ask him to bless you in our lives.

And when that moment comes and you are finally here,

I will reach out to you and you will be near.

Either way I know we are meant to be,

and I will love you for all eternity.

Love Mom

second chance

Well I was suppose to get aunt flo and instead I ovulated. So we are getting a second chance this month and I am overwhelmed with joy.

this sucks

Well, I went for my visit on Saturday to the RE (reproductive endocronologist) and had my estrogen checked and my follicles measured. Now, I have been doing this every other morning since stimulation day 1 which was the 3rd day of my cycle. Counting stimulation days, I have 18 of them for my follicles to grow and reach 14mm in order for me to start coming for the above said tests everyday and start using my ovulation predictor test kits at home and then once I get a positive one of those, then I can get the IUI (intra-uterine insemination). Last cycle the follicles stayed small around 6-7 and then day 12 they finally got to 12mm,then 13mm then 15 mm by the 18th day (which would be the last day) I did the IUI two days later and I started feeling great and pregnant and all. BUT aunt flo is a bitch and she mimmicks pregnancy. Well, 2 weeks later I went for my pregnancy test and it was negative. The girl said it still may be early since I ovulated so late. She said I could come back in 5 days for a repeat pregnancy test. I never made it that far, 3 hours after the news, KNOCK KNOCK, aunt flo showed up. I hate her!!!! Anyway, this Saturday I was at stimulation day 18 again and this time my follicle never got over 11mm. So I was very upset, but they said I can come back Monday just out of curiosity to see if they are still growing..........................................................................